Restless Love

It has been another season of change both globally and in our cozy doll shop in Colorado. We launched the registration for the Christmas Pageant Virtual Doll Convention event with 100% of the proceeds benefiting charities that Diane Hoffman would love. Diane Hoffman is my mother, and we lost her this year in April. Christmas was her favorite holiday, and not only did she go ‘all-out’ during December, but she also kept Christmas up all year at her home. Growing up for me, Christmas Eve consisted of a real Santa bounding through the front door with presents after just landing on the roof with his reindeer.

We would gather on the stairs, ring antique sleigh bells, and gather around with candles singing carols and holding hands. To me, this all felt normal because it was how it always was—pure Christmas Magic. So after losing Mom, I came to the stunning realization that this won’t happen anymore unless I take the lead. I am the only female left in my immediate family, and the guys don’t do decorating, or come for dinner unless I arrange it. I became the ‘President’ of the family after Mom left. Thus, the idea for the Christmas Pageant was born. I wanted a way to honor my Mom on her favorite holiday and do something that would benefit our community and those most vulnerable through donations to three charities.

Yesterday was a day I didn't know how I was going to feel. My team from the doll shop and I gathered up the Christmas treasures from Mom's and loaded it all in multiple truckloads for the doll shop. We are going to set up the grandest Christmas display the doll shop has ever seen.

We loaded the massive Steiff Reindeer, the teddy bears, dolls, and toys. I know my Dad felt a mix of emotions, but he loves what we are doing even though he still doesn’t understand what I actually do at the Virtual Doll Convention.

The feather tree was one of the most worrying pieces, but my good pal Stan Gregg, who makes the miniature houses, came to the rescue and packed up every antique Dresden ornament. Everyone was helpful, and we ordered pizza for lunch.

I took a moment yesterday to marvel at how beautiful it all looked after bringing our treasures to the shop, even before setting up the exhibit. You should see the life-size gingerbread house on the other side of the room - it is spectacular already.

When my mother originally set this up in 2011, it took her three days. She worked with friends who brought amazing things and collaborated to put on the most spectacular Christmas display. I remember her smiling, knee-deep in tinsel, in her element. She directed traffic in the display room and knew exactly how it was all going to go.

Although I have been President of our company for several years, running this shop and especially doing anything with Christmas without her feels foreign, I am still learning and don’t know how it is all going to go. She had a calm confidence in her when she did anything that I marvel at now when I look back and realize all of the things she did.

So much has changed since November of last year. And sometimes, well, a lot of times, my anxious heart asks me: where do we go from here? Where do I find the space to grieve what was while still hoping for a beautiful outcome?

So right here is where I put in the hard work and the trust. Even though I did not ask for things to change, here is where I can look back and be proud of every beautiful connection we made. Every perfect Holiday celebrated. Every good day in the doll shop. I can sit in my discomfort and have deep gratitude for everything good in my life...even in the places where I had to say "goodbye."

I know many of us have restless love in our hearts for something special. Love SO anxious be put into action. Love SO missing from the object of its affection. All I can hope is that we will get where we need to go and land where we belong. I hope the Christmas Pageant helps soften some of that restless in our hearts into joy, belonging, and peace. In doing so, we will leave some beautiful things behind, but our tender hearts will heal with time. We will be okay. I believe this even without the answers my heart is longing for. We will be okay.

With Great Belief in You,

Rachel

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CLICK HERE TO REGISTER FOR THE VIRTUAL DOLL CONVENTION CHRISTMAS PAGEANT